Compilations of Old Blogs Part 4

The start of our generation of then young artists of SBW!
April 17, 2009, 9:44 pm
***04 18 2009


One could sum up the number of artists struggling to be recognized in the Philippine art scene and find out that it would stretch almost infinitely. From the earliest I could remember in the 1990’s we were aggressive. We were always up to the dare. We were focused perhaps because there were also equally good and better young artists around us to measure ourselves with. The artist group Salingpusa and Sanggawa were both breakthroughs. The equally strong response and competitions from the Chabet conceptual artists were a pleasurable view. Both overlapping and producing more good exhibitions that we waited with rapt attention to. So many artists were also accorded recognition in the Thirteen Artists Award and figured in prestigious and not so known art competitions. We knew all of them and we knew that within the group everyone had the potentials to be better. There were exceptional young individuals charting on their own too. These young artists were rare and easily supported by the few prominent galleries. Galleries were snobbish then and particular on who was selling a lot. It was a tough deal to present your works. Some eventually recognize that there should be some opportunities opened to other aspiring ones but it did not mean the younger lot. It was just that the quota was already almost filled up during our times. Yet we all did not want to give up. Perhaps because we do well to work with our group best we stuck it out together.

We succeeded eventually. We recognized earlier that it was tough getting represented in a better gallery. Unless you had connections. We never wanted to suck ass. It was a tough uphill fight but eventually most enjoyed the journey. We wanted to show and we wanted to share. We broke through most hurdles to bring out changes and other perspectives that young artists contend with. We stuck together even with the sharpest criticism from personalities. We reacted, changed and also challenged.

Finally, breaks were offered and this made more the challenge interesting as more were offered recognitions and became critical to include and encompasses different morphing concepts and new influences. We became more afraid of being labeled or included as an afterthought to an existing movement and fought against it tooth and nail. We did not want to limit ourselves in a box. Between the SR, Genre Realists, Modernists, Conceptuals and et al there were very few vacancies left. We delayed because that would not force us to alienate those not including. Eventually we concluded financial concerns would have forced us to commit but we wanted to postpone it. Perhaps because we were lucky enough to find patronage, support and guidance from the two prominent curators of our time that time itself became more flexible. We also were very fortunate to have them as good mentors, teacher and friends. Mr. Roberto “Bobi” Valenzuela and Prof. Roberto Chabet were unique because they led us all in a merry pursuit for excellence, great exhibitions, good ideas, competition, a bigger playing field, confidence and vision. Because we saw in these two people checks and challenges that made it a worthwhile struggle to always rise up and succeed. A real power struggle without the bloodshed but mutual respect and ever so better exhibitions.
I would like to take the opportunity to thank Prof. Roberto Chabet and the late Mr. Bobi Valenzuela. Both were well loved pioneers in their own ways in promoting young Filipino artists and helping them stand independently and create better works. They have been stalwart supporters of Contemporary Art in the Philippines. In their ways they have helped young artists including myself to be independent and challenged.

Waiting the line for recognition, we saw eventually some became lost. Some sacrificed time to do what could be better for the majority. Some delayed. But it was a rarity who gambled friendships and relations for that elusive 15 minute fame. They always came back. We recognized that to succeed we have in competition what we have achieved as a group. Anything less paled from the success of the formalities of SBW. It opened up time for most of the members to metamorphose and be more confident in bringing out individuality in each’ works. The one big break rolling that could make him/her into a success (in one’s own estimation that is). Just to let you know our group never had settled for lesser because our checks were very vicious – camaraderie, opposing polarity, unpredictability, consensus and the Surrounded By Water spaces.

We started with exhibitions organized during college years mainly from ideas borne from an enthusiastic professor with time to burn and huge amount of ideas to tap from. (The trunk of his car). Founding the group Yellow Door for our first group exhibit and instantly killing it after sending a bunch of press kits to newspapers and seeing it in print would be a clue on what later would be ‘dynamic’ and ‘unpredictable’. To be noted that it came as a title of prestige in attaining the much sought after Fine Arts college room is another. It never so much passed the group consensus so it ended down the drain.

We also started going to gallery openings and meeting a lot of people. We built friendships and our own presence to support fellows. We were invited to talk about our ideas and eventually that led to being recognized as a group. We were often referred to as UP group. There were other students from other schools and we complimented them. We were able to come up with shows and organize traveling exhibitions that opened up more venues. Some of us began to specialize on different tasking for the group. It came naturally that we respected the group norm. Internally we were stronger and we challenged each other more. We explored going to different alternative venues like Pundaquit Zambales and being involved with localities. We also planned for a regular studio that would house us. We rented the roof top of a dormitory building to work in. After college we met often. We then started again to exhibit.

We became a precedent wherein we would through the years hardly find ourselves the only ones neither entertaining nor attaining. Exhibitions abroad and prominent local shows happened. The international residency grants and collaborations with international artists offered glimpses of what is. The influx of international curators and galleries eying the local artists came and added interests. The times and recognition have changed the field again. Skyrocketing rents opened and closed galleries. It marked the importance too of bigger spaces like warehouse and unrented ones. Alternative spaces became formal ones. There would also be conflicting gains in the balloon effect of auctions or the prominence of exhibiting abroad in artificially resuscitated countries. The Recession of 2008 continuing had been a reality check and a welcome challenge to reassess.

I became sentimental now while watching my fellows prepare for the exhibit “In the Ocean Without a Boat or a Paddle: A Surrounded By Water Exhibit “ for 2009. We could not always decide on how to curate the group show without stepping on a few toes. I still cringe about it but I hope I am and all of us are mature now. I understand now that we were scared that we would not be doing our best if we could not curate the works properly. I had always been naïve to leave it black and white but we always have to grow up. We had to be more professional about it. Looking at it always from a different perspective. I just wanted my friends around me and to do what I do best.
The successions of exhibitions came to be. It started a saga that would stretch all throughout our lives as friends (now more than fifteen years and counting in 2009). With this new undertaking we close the chapter and begin another again as equals. I have not been truthful always about my loyalties. I never spoke out but I had always assumed that we together would overcome the challenges. We came together as friends. Most of us had come from second degrees and had transferred from other degrees. We were older than most college freshmen. We grew to include more people with what we started and we became more responsible for a greater thrust and hopefully for a better Philippine Art scene.
Thus, the story begins! From a brainchild borne from toddling and teetering to the unknown. Ideas fed upon would make way for the leading turned-up-heads of the ending century. An impressionable feat that started for a no-name artist group and eventually took in the mantel of the Surrounded By Water when we had to formally fill up SEC registrations. Initially we were thirteen who signed the requirements but we included more from then on informally.
A steady absorption of information and names to go with had nourished an unconquerable sense of self-preservation to succeed tempered by eagerness to create. Too much one might observe and often remarked by critics too soon perhaps. Today we cross this junction and validate ourselves again. A better background for the economic recession of 2008.

The 2009 playing field has change but the hunger has remained for challenges. One might say a lot of us in Surrounded By Water have reached our peak but we will never be satisfied. We know the potentials of each member like our own through the years. We grew up together and we will grow up some more.

The shawarma logbook has been one of the major representation for this early unnamed group. It contained our misplaced propriety that most fandom as progress. There were several volumes of these logbooks that housed ideas, memories and doodles. They just happened to show up in the room and many took it up to draw or write something on. It was the diary of our group and it was opened to all. It housed our hang ups.

A bright idea of coming up with a rented venue for our own without any experience and enough capital was pure suicide then. We rushed forward. Despite this minor setback, one explains to another, we have something to work on together and eventually fall on. This would also culminate in the inevitable break-up of individuals and the steady solidification of factions. Changes to make us stronger had eventually come.
Hardly, a consolation to a bunch of already desperate and struggling to live young idealists. Despite a crowded itinerary for the years to come, we still found an occasion to add some more. “Quite obstinate bastards!” I might say. The Surrounded By Water Galleries were born. We had support from patrons who lent us the spaces, the collectors and buyers, the thankful people who brought in collectors and buyers, other artists for support and ordinary street people who just happen to be curious of what was going on inside. These we would be thankful for and remember.

Surrounded By Water Angono then came to be as a need to pursue a stand for the young artists of Angono, Rizal against the established norm. A concept shared by its pioneer to the group. It was a novelty that would carry us across and cushion most barbs aimed too low. Constant bombardment of the festive aesthetics with the UP formula of mayhem would take its toll. A chink would soon show itself yet solidify quickly to make up for it. A sentiment of change was in the air and a sure surprise to the oldies. It gave birth to Surrounded by Water Ortigas and then Surrounded by Water Cubao.
It was quite uncomfortable to wake up suddenly to find a gallery to loud for comfort and too energetic in vision. We did notice the changes that we come into like the need for brainstorming and the delegating of the odd jobs of managing the place. It would be a major factor to note assets that we share— which is the hunger to learn, to compete and to explore. This would be struggling through the end. We started obliging ourselves to each and every task at hand as if we could burn every cynics to Jolo with all the bombardment of shows that we have at hand. Sometimes we kept on forgetting that we owe one another a chance to attain our own goals and the space to grow. We strove forward some more.

The entree of the isolationists, the ever younger artists and the groupies would begin. It became better and encompassed more young artists. It became an umbrella to support other venues and more exhibitions. Another chapter to the ever evolving life of would be artists of Surrounded By Water. It would span a few more years. But our growth together were longer and that counted in the end. We would eventually forgive ourselves and others and have the closure that we needed to grow some more.

Being part of a curious lot of young artists has even given each of us a chance to collaborate on (Surrounded By Water Angono, Ortigas and Cubao artist-run-spaces) exhibitions and group related projects. The group has since altered its original concepts, allowing more to transform and move on in their individual techniques, ideologies and beliefs. It may have just been curiosity that we started to exhibit together. It would stand like this until the next reunion for sentimental people.
P.S. After the exhibit opening the reviews were mixed. The Blanc Compound Shaw was a good space, supportive owner and there were better artists now. The works were hinting of different directions and reinventing oneself. Changes that fewer older artists dare to thread on this later stage. We pulled it off. There were a lot of good audiences. We were older. We were still friends but not best of friends anymore. We might be in the ocean without a boat or a paddle but we were moving onwards slowly. Damn! We still are hungry!




*** visit me also at
Amiel Gerald A. Roldan
Mandaluyong City, Philippines


amiel_roldan@yahoo.com
amiel.roldan@gmail.com

*** visit me also at
www.amielroldan.tk
www.amiel-roldan.tk
www.amielroldan.wordpress.com
www.amielroldan.blogspot.com
www.fineartamerica.com/profiles/a-g-roldan.html
www.myspace.com/amiel_roldan
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A Newer Art Chapter in Manila
April 15, 2009, 4:14 am


I wonder what would this new chapter bring? I am excited for the run. A thrill for the unexpected and a high for the journey. I am back in Manila for a long time. There are some changes that are here to stay. I’ve looked back in the past and have had my share of hangups, insecurities, confrontations and challenges. Perhaps I have counted what I had missed rather than what I have gained. Material commodities and security are gains that one could expound when one had them. I appreciate my journey more for having them. Knowing what you are capable of and understanding the playing field. Just doing your research is a big contentment for me. I rather felt guilty that I opted for a hiatus when everyone was finally sitting down and working. Stress brings out the best in me or rather the stubborn facet in me. I had stretched myself far and distanced too long for comfort in these few years. A long meditation of three years seems to be a good idea then. I appreciate it now even more being there once with the immediacy of the current situation… Well, I am back for good. I am very happy about what I see on the field. A lot of artists have taken the international level seriously… They have come back with new works that we could only be better with. Some have not come back and that is there loss. A new taste and distinctions have whet the appreciation more for good Filipino art.
It is not one’s fault that we face a bigger challenge with the world economic situation. It is a boon now for us seeing the market has always been there albeit temporarily unstable. I am now ready for a new chapter with the newer people in the field. I hope I am ready for it with a newer zest for changes…
Recession has affected a lot of industries and the art scene has not been left untouched and coming up with newer works could be financially breaking with the audiences eying the market viability and liquidity. Remembering that understanding and always learning would equip ourselves with our tools to survive. The market will always have its supporters for gains and detractors for losses. One could always appreciate buying when the prices are lower or selling when it is higher. Now I guess is the time to produce more and exhibit often… We have newer audiences with our youth coming of age and newer artists to welcome in our folds.
The international artfairs, biennale and auctions might have just closed its doors but it would open new avenues for a different venue for the Filipino artists or rather the Filipino Art. Galleries have opened and committed themselves. Weathering out this temporary set back is the attitude. Reinventing themselves opens up a newer appreciation and a wider support. A few years back we rue the lack of venues for art viewing that brought the ARS and now that we have better galleries we would rue again? In bigger playing fields we should play bigger and better. Hiding now is a waste of time unless you want to regroup. It is time for the foundations to widen and encompass the newer set of players - the younger artists. They have always been aggressive and more so now that a better future awaits them with more exposure, easy tested access and knowledge for better works.

One could be brilliant about one’s approach. Learning the ropes first before jumping in should be automatic… A time and tested strategy. Changing or rather to let it run its full course and understand the flow before rushing in has its advantages… Changes need not be confrontational but going with the current rather than against it and coursing it to different direction to lessen the strength. Here we gather the force to make it run over mountains and over falls. In this case the 2009 recession in the Philippines will be a cinch. It will be here for the next couple of years but we Filipinos will survive and now we will chart a new direction with other Asian artists with our awareness of standing up when we stumble and being stronger. Lets paddle some more art for the coming years. 04 14 2009



*** visit me also at
Amiel Gerald A. Roldan
Mandaluyong City, Philippines


amiel_roldan@yahoo.com
amiel.roldan@gmail.com

*** visit me also at
www.amielroldan.tk
www.amiel-roldan.tk
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A personal event… Bobi V
February 3, 2009, 10:35 am
****11 30 2008

I learned at this time about Roberto “Bobi V.” Valenzuela’s condition… Lying prone in E.R. a shadow of the then stalwart figure in Philippine Arts. A familiar face to most of us. Why is my friend not smiling? This is my teacher… I have been away far to long… A mentor in his prime who similarly had multiple ischlemic strokes like my dad… He is very close to me and being helpless about his situation drove me mad and stressful at times when I had to stay away… Fate brings us challenges that make us shine forth. Throughout the years that Bobi V. has been with us he brilliantly shines. This is my lifelong friend.

He had preparation for his condition. He was forewarned with his initial aneurysms to take his medicine, consult his doctors and to slow down. A sinking feeling that not all could be addressed nor overcome without preparation. Guiding him initially past on his first stroke was our challenge then and he succeeded… After this, he could hardly slow down… A second chance in life was taken with heedless exuberance with what was happening around - to throw caution to the wind… It is true that when the passions for art claims us it would never let us go until we excel or fail. It always claims a greater responsibility, accountability and lifelong sacrifice.

Like meteors we only glimpse them a few seconds before they shimmer their brightest and spread across the landscape as the finest dust we breathe…. Bobi V., like anyone on top of his field, always feels invincible and there would be lapses. When even brilliance gives way to the frailty of health. Our own fate to face sometimes. Challenging one’s own is what drives us to great ideas… Challenging others leads to greatness for all… Challenging fate there is none that could do it indefinitely. Bobi V. led us to be better persons and challenged the best artists that we could be.

He had a third stroke and this brought him to a complete stop and to me a realization that there would be others in my family who might encounter the same fate… He is my mentor, friend and second father… I know this man loves me so much… I am not ashamed that i do too… “I love you so much Bobi V.”

He was a father that I talked with because my father seldom did with me… He is a good friend… I can help again… can’t I? I could nurture and help him heal again… Give a little more sanity despite his condition? This person gave me a lasting friendship and a sense of pride.

I remembered an incident with Bobi Valenzuela. After a few months of recuperating from his first stroke. I dared him to cross the streets of Mandaluyong and we went to Mega Art Center… I then saw my thesis professor across also recuperating from his own bout sporting a cane. Hearing how there was always a misunderstanding between these two prominent figures in the Arts and always confounded by misled followers… escalating to civility in so many occasions. I had blistered ears from so many hours of class under this great teacher of the University with my ideas and inept paintings to prove that. I dared curator Bobi Valenzuela to cross the floor and greet Professor Roberto Chabet. Having Bobi V. at my side and my thesis professor across I could hardly breathe. Let this pass as a tribute to understanding and the good outcome of my thesis…. Ha! ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Both having worked unbeknown on my drafts as I challenged both to best figure out my thesis concept then titled “Prusisyon.”

The seconds ticked as both proud men saw and acknowledged each other across the seemingly small Mega Mall 4th floor… Professor Chabet could hardly ignore me as I was his most challenging student then nor I’m sure that anyone would back down to the inevitable confrontation. These are the two people closest to my epitome of what I would like to be. It struggled to minutes as they closed the distance. They met, exchanged a few words and shook hands to bury forever doubt on where they stood - at parallel in encouraging greater works from Filipino artists with their organized and well curated shows. They then went back on their own way…

I wanted to pipe out to have coffee together but conceded that this was better left unsaid… Especially with Bobi content at my side. At peace on getting back the pride of being one of the best in his generation. Realizing I might end up paying for the coffee too and a threat of harsher editing on my compositions. I hurried on. Tsk.tsk.tsk.

Life of a struggling artist-curator could be bad at times. These incidents and many more through the years were worth it though - momentous inspirations that I would carry always with me.

I visited the E.R. and looking at him prone on the bed and eyes cloudy… I sighed… breaking a little inside… It did not help that a litany of prayer for peaceful transition was being recited every half hour… I am crestfallen that it took this long for me to realize what was given to me freely. I admire this person.

I was jokingly referred to then as “Bobi V.’s Representative” in most of the exhibits he curated. I had always detailed on whatever was happening. Woe to the artist exhibiting if he or she so much as took a wrong step or be condescending during the show.

I always challenged his ideas and his exhibits. Being critical reflects his teachings and being open leads to awareness. His insights I would always cherish in writing and curating. I learned to have a good ear and sharper eyes. Composition played second to the story that the exhibit tells. A better part of me became a compassionate art lover and a friend to my peers and artists. A guardian. We stood witness to most of the challenges that generations of Filipinos artists went through. We became empowered and sought to question and incite for better changes. This is the parting gift Bobi V. leaves us. Remember and tell his story.

The once representative looks over the curator and sees the person lying there. ”I am proud of you Bobi Valenzuela.”

Everyone was emotional then and I know this was taking a toll on everyone’s nerves … I decided I would give something back… A bit of laughter to a very close friend… I laughed and said. ” Bobi V you would not believe what Nukie did again on last night’s exhibit” and I made my second father proud… I even saw him quirk his eyebrow up. This is Bobi V. that I know.

After ten days, Bobi V. died… Taken from us so abruptly yet with finalty… I was in Cebu and flew back to pay my last respect to my curator, mentor, friend and father. Safe journey my best friend.




*** visit me also at
Amiel Gerald A. Roldan
Mandaluyong City, Philippines


amiel_roldan@yahoo.com
amiel.roldan@gmail.com

*** visit me also at
www.amielroldan.tk
www.amiel-roldan.tk
www.amielroldan.wordpress.com
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When I die I want to be cremated and my love ones to celebrate in white
December 21, 2008, 11:04 pm

We are given a brief time to live in this lifetime… Celebrate it and celebrate the people around you… Find fulfillment in the things you have accomplished and the choices you made… Second chances come rarely for everyone… Make the best of them… Learn from your successes and your failures in equal doses… Find the best people in your lifetime and make your life count … No regrets… Move on and always have closure…

We find joys in simple things and passion in complexities… Journey to our goals add zest to our life… I want my friends and family just to celebrate… I celebrate them and give thanks every minute of my life… I give thanks for the simple things that happen and the same goes for the blessings I receive… Accidents happen and mistakes have their toll… We will learn from them… If you haven’t then I pity you… If I had ten pesos in my pocket I would be happy that I could take a ride to the mall and walk back home satisfied… I don’t want people to wear black and to put old pictures on my coffin… Black is for angst… I wore it for a long time… Its a nice color on canvas mixed with yellow… I want no one to put make up on my defenseless body regardless if i blow my brains up or met a grotesque accident… I just want to live my life and never have to regret… I am happy for what I have accomplished now … If you find that you are not still then go make it happen for the day… If I die in pain I want it to be the last… I don’t want to make a mockery of living as if I had a bad day sleeping inside the coffin… I don’t want memorial pictures of me circulating the web were I have been sporting a bad hairstyle… God forbid that I have my enemies not having their daily dose of nightmare because they got over it by seeing you in your worst… Ha ha ha ha… I would pull the leg of anyone in their sleep every night for taking a video of me when in my worst… I have also the best in store for those posting in good intentions my bad pictures i have in the social network… I wonder where would they get it… I’m sure I have deleted them all….

I am happy with my choices and be happy for me… Yes… I would worry about my family and love ones but this is a new adventure for me… Heck I would worry about my nemesis too..
We strive hard to make a mark in the lives of others in our pursuit of surviving and striving to be the best that we can…. I want it to be a witness… I am happy that I have witnessed the lives of people I am close with and celebrated their lives…I have shared their happiness, regrets, failures, successes, wants and their daily routine… I want it just that I made a simple difference to be remembered … If they forget now then I am happy because they got over it…. I am always thankful for every second that they remembered an anecdote … a word …. an event … a lifetime… a work… a painting … a conversation… a good word … a bad word… a mistake… an inspiration… a helping hand… a cup of coffee… a plate of cake… some pasta… and olives… lots of olives… i would be thankful always and please remember that…but get over it and have a life man … I am moving on… i am journeying alone and I am leaving baggage that would not make life easier…. When I die I want to be cremated and my love ones to celebrate in white and tears to be shed in relief … And yes spread my ashes around my worst nemesis’ house… His coffee cup would be just fine… Ha ha ha ha ha ha… Amiel Roldan…. 12 22 2008


*** visit me also at
Amiel Gerald A. Roldan
Mandaluyong City, Philippines


amiel_roldan@yahoo.com
amiel.roldan@gmail.com

*** visit me also at
www.amielroldan.tk
www.amiel-roldan.tk
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Paalam… Bobi Valenzuela Dec 12 2008
December 12, 2008, 4:35 am

Roberto ‘Bobi’ Valenzuela Died on December 12, 2008 at 1:15 am … A Great Filipino Curator… A Father to many… A Good Friend… An Editor … A Writer… A Traveler… A Mentor…
Wake is at Funeraria Paz ; Internment is December 15 Monday at the Manila Memorial Park after the 10:00 am Mass … Both located along Dr. A Santos Ave Sucat Parañaque City Philippines…


*** visit me also at
Amiel Gerald A. Roldan
Mandaluyong City, Philippines


amiel_roldan@yahoo.com
amiel.roldan@gmail.com

*** visit me also at
www.amielroldan.tk
www.amiel-roldan.tk
www.amielroldan.wordpress.com
www.amielroldan.blogspot.com
www.fineartamerica.com/profiles/a-g-roldan.html
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Death as a Muse
December 7, 2008, 4:55 am

Farewell
11 29 2008

Sid Hildawa has been gone too for months now and its hard to remember him… Maybe because I am in a different place now and the places that you see him has also changed… New people are in position and changes are in the offing… I just know that a few days before he died he made a note and visited my website… Maybe seeing that we have different lives now he never commented on his condition… That I was in Cebu then he had no time to tell… He died of organ failure and so abrupt for a young person… We chose to believe it was just life… But a friend is gone now… A fellow artist who shared his plans and became a friend… Bon voyage Sid!



Life accepted…
11 30 2008

I was also browsing my alumni website at Don Bosco and I am sad that so many have died too… Some taken so abruptly and also too soon… I pray for their family and remember the instances we have met and became friends… Fellow Bosconians I salute you… I offer prayers to my fellow Bosconians who passed away….. Rio Balana I knew since elementary… Lawrence…. Carreon… Candelaria and delos Santos… We were children then and life has been full of the zest… It was hard to believe some were already suffering from sickness and dying… Then it was just beginning but for some it was already ending…

Another death…
11 30 2008

A week back a friend died of a painful cancer and his body was cremated… He died very young and left loved ones… I know it now that it was him who visited a few nights back- to wake me up in my sleep… A fellow artist… I guess it was just a head’s up from Norli… To continue painting and support the young artists that he also helped through the years… Fellows and friends he shared bits of life… He was an avid mountaineer. He will be brought to one he climbed years back by friends and family… His ashes scattered to the wind… He will find peace in the serene setting … Peace that he did not find maybe in death he would… Good bye Norli Lalo…





*** visit me also at
Amiel Gerald A. Roldan
Mandaluyong City, Philippines


amiel_roldan@yahoo.com
amiel.roldan@gmail.com

*** visit me also at
www.amielroldan.tk
www.amiel-roldan.tk
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A visit at the cemetery
November 28, 2008, 9:42 pm

A Visit at the Cemetery
11 29 2008

I went with Peds and his 4 year old son, Patrick, to visit my aunt’s grave at Heritage cemetery …. I was in Cebu when she died and could not go back to Manila quickly… I opted not to comeback for a year… This is one of those regrets that I would always remember… She was born December 5 1938 and laid to rest last Dec 18 2007 … She left behind a husband, sons and grandchildren… and all the people who love her… She died of cancer … We discovered it late and she never knew that she had one even until her death… I cried once when I heard this… helpless about my being away… I knew something was wrong then and always told her to have a check up… she looked so frail like my dad in just a few weeks… I did say goodbye then the day I was to fly to Cebu… just a few seconds of images and affectionate bids to take care… She had told me then to mind her sons John and Peds. Specially Peds, her youngest and favorite… He is my best friend… I didn’t know that it would be the worst scenario so soon… i just was euphoric with my finally being on my own in Cebu that I never wanted to cut it short… she had difficulty with the chemo but hearing my cousin relate that she died by his side, it made me glad because my cousin Peds was her baby amongst her two boys… My aunt Crispina was a second mother to me… Never mind that she is also the most shrewdest and alaskador aunt that I knew… I grew up always at their house where ever they moved to and whenever I felt like staying over… I was the eldest and only male in my family of siblings… I always took care of my sisters but hanging out with them was uncool… sigh… My mother was a disciplinarian and usually it came to mind that I do have to take care of all my siblings… I was also a stuck up brat then so figure it out… I was the youngest amongst male cousins and I always wanted to hang out with older friends… I sort of got adopted and went where ever the family goes… I always compared my home with my aunt’s home… It was unfair of me but I always found everything happening outside my home exciting… The cooking and food was great … the excursions were awesome… It was just less neat there… Three rowdy boys running around would create havoc in any average home… Even if I had to share beds , shirts and underwear it was great staying there… I could stay late up at night and knock at neighbor’s doors just to wake them up and run away… i learned pranks from my older cousins… I could yell at the top of my lungs with no one to caution me… I could roll on the floor without any reprimand… Life was sweet then… I am thankful too that my parents allowed me to stay there… I remember then my first crush… first accident…. first of alot of things… I had also my first realization that getting a red mark was not the end of the world since my cousins always got more than me… I had more new friends… I had my circumcision while staying at their place… We cousins always did everything together and shared everything… Probably got body odors and athlete’s foot from sharing … ha ha ha ha ha things… sigh… Luckily, I didn’t continue it long throughout my teenage years when sex happened… much to my own mother’s relief…

I remember my aunt to be very nice but very inquisitive and me the ever polite one couldn’t leave to play with my cousins without answering all her questions… she was a drill sergeant or an fbi… I guess with all the things happening she could always get a straight answer form me.. I never did learn to lie well when I was young.. sigh… I wanted to just keep up with older cousins on all their activities… they were cool… I didn’t want to tell on them… but I guess my aunt knew how to pry out every information from me… Then I just wanted to stay and enjoy childhood pranks with my cousins…. I knew my aunt’s instructions to her sons where to take care of me or else… If I could get my aunt’s approval then my stay would last all throughout summer… Adventures would always happen… I am thankful about that and then…
We loved her dinuguan and paella… She was always great with food and preparations… I remember we would always finish up all the good food she prepared… I was always introduced to all her relatives… I knew most of them… My cousins shared their mother with me… I was not that generous… I remember that my mom would always give me the generous helping and I always took the generous helpings in all gatherings… I know how to share… but with my aunt I had choice not to … well with bigger cousins after your helpings I learned that I had to be faster….. ha ha ha ha… sigh… I miss my aunt…
My aunt died with organ complications… It was a painful death… She had so many challenges in life… She was a quiet person yet strong pillar in our family… She brought wisdom and gentleness… She was always religious and active with church activities… she was a loyal wife and a caring mother… I grew up under her watchful eyes and her wisdom… I am proud of what I have achieved in life… I know she will always guide us and I know that she would always be proud of her sons… She would always be a model for people she left behind… Thank you Tita Crispina ….




*** visit me also at
Amiel Gerald A. Roldan
Mandaluyong City, Philippines


amiel_roldan@yahoo.com
amiel.roldan@gmail.com

*** visit me also at
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www.amiel-roldan.tk
www.amielroldan.wordpress.com
www.amielroldan.blogspot.com
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******


A personal event…
11 30 2008

I learned at this time about Bobi V…. A mentor who similarly had multiple strokes like my dad… He was very close to me… and being helpless about his situation drove me mad and stressful… He had preparation for his condition… He was forewarned with his initial aneurysms to take his medicine, consult his doctors and to slow down… guiding him past them was my challenge and he succeeded… after overcoming them he could hardly slow down… second chances in life was taken with heedless exuberance with what was happening around… like anyone on top of his field you always feel invincible and there would be lapses and fate… challenging one’s own is what drives us to great ideas… He had a third stroke and this brought him to a complete stop… and to me a complete realization that there would be others in my family who might encounter the same fate… He is my mentor, friend and second father… I know this man loves me so much… I am not ashamed that i do too.. He was a father that I talked with because my father seldom did with me… He is a good friend… I can help again… can’t I? I could nurture and help him heal again… Give a little more sanity despite his condition? I visited the E.R. and looking at him prone on the bed eyes cloudy… It didn’t help that a litany of prayer for peaceful transition was being recited every half hour… Everyone was emotional then and I know this was taking a toll on nerves and emotion… I decided I would give something back… A bit of laughter to a very close friend… I laughed… and I made my second father proud…

After a week of hectic checkups for my parents…that dragged tortuously long and which all turned up insanely normal… my dad has diabetes-that we know, on his years- and this we also accept. He hardly speaks normally- we always hear, always chokes on food and drink this we notice and see, on his third stroke for sometime now without any changes - we are constantly reminded and very emotional that we always feel for him… he cries every time someone remarks on his health… bawls by the bucket… the neurologists says its a condition that happens in most cases with elderly stroke patients… these symptoms and complications have been happening for years now so we were all expecting that… we were not in denial… my dad also knows this despite not being able to help stopping it… so he is also not in one…
His third stroke helped us put a stop on all his extracurricular activities… It literally forced him to retire early without any eventful argument on his Lawyering career… hardly being able to speak to his clients for a few years and having his Fine Arts son as an interpreter would push him to realize that this would be permanent if not addressed properly… and also better stop while we don’t have a case against us… I can’t paint everything you know…

Having a week long brush with obstinate elderly people refusing to have checkups for years… Thankful that only one could speak… Convincing them that self medication and everyday massage is not good… Trying to make them listen to their doctors even though they might look young… to tell them about their past ails because the doctors could not mind read… and not to offer any arguments when it is a statement of fact… still I was really bothered about something big that might happen… a premonition came to me a few weeks past … The only action I could take is to gather my love ones and friends closer… When I arrived in manila… everything seems to be normal… I just went around for a few days reliving and discovering changes… then on the day I was leaving my dad told me he has problems sleeping for a few months now… He literally sleeps for an hour sporadically in a day… We call it powernaps… being in the outsourcing business its not alarming but in his situation it is… My dad seldom complain… I was a year away and I have no ready answer…. I just reassured my dad that we would consult a doctor the next day and to rest first… That drove me crazy inside… I didn’t know how to take a bp… being obstinate that less knowledge is more so I never knew how to take one but I know how to address it …by being calm… I knew his blood pressure was up by just looking how haggard and red his face was… but to panic would bring it to peak… so nonchalantly told him we would look up a doctor tomorrow… panic was never in my vocabulary… everything has a time and place… Should I rush him to E.R.? … get an ambulance… these fleeted in my mind but disregarded… call the neighborhood…? an ambulance…? No! … Let my dad recoup first and to stabilize in familiar surroundings for the night… I decided that he has to have checkup the next day and work has to give in… flying out to Cebu was out of the question… finally rationalizing to rest for the night and give everyone a break… my two sisters were at work, my mom was taking care of my grandma in our province… My dad could hardly walk in a normal day for ten steps without resting and breaking a sweat… frustratingly awkward and heartbreaking… He could hardly speak coherently and easily gets frustrated with other people… Let alone doctors…
I worked hard for years to make sure that my parents have their health insurances… I didn’t want to lose anyone… regardless that we would not pay a cent more… i would gladly pay up for more years and belatedly I was thankful… Sometimes, we do have to let go… Let them live their own lives… Its like convincing my mom that what she knew as truth her whole life was not true anymore… Believe me that is hard! Life is teaching me lessons now. But is it unfair that I try my best to prepare for the worst before anything happens…? Often times, I could only caution friends to savor everyday but to also prepare and to take care of your love ones today… to talk with them… they seldom follow, mind me and usually it is too late… I have premonitions… Like knowing what will happen when talking with a person one on one… I know their fears… I know their loves… I know if they are telling the truth or what they are hiding… It like reading it from their auras… I met another person like me who could read bubble thoughts from above a person’s head… Then I was thankful that I was not unique and alone… I was not curious on what he could read about me… Or what I could tell him about his… I already know the responsibility believing it so good luck… Do you remember the tv series “Today’s Edition” …? It is a blessing and a bane… It seem like I was watching minutes and hours tick to a certain event… I always wish for others’ health and there is a certain exchange… I am accepting them and letting them go… I had regrets that I will remember I did not want more… That at one time I wanted it not… So many sad things happening and sparsely good things in return… Yet with new family members and new friends we still hope to survive… to take care of the newer generation and to hold on to the old as long as we can… in the future they might take care of us too… I have to be back in Manila for other appointments with my dad and mom… They are not taking the correct dosage I’m sure… My mom I’m sure that she is not… She has the gall to tell me that her doctor was young in his pants and her prescription would upset her stomach… My sisters could convince them to go out the door and not a step farther… The married ones could cajole them I’m sure but both have families to attend to and one just gave birth… sigh… It’s decided then… I could bodily carry them both to the doctors’ and let them listen without arguments… sigh… I’m flying next week on Saturday regardless…





*** visit me also at
Amiel Gerald A. Roldan
Mandaluyong City, Philippines


amiel_roldan@yahoo.com
amiel.roldan@gmail.com

*** visit me also at
www.amielroldan.tk
www.amiel-roldan.tk
www.amielroldan.wordpress.com
www.amielroldan.blogspot.com
www.fineartamerica.com/profiles/a-g-roldan.html
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******



To Bobi V
November 28, 2008, 5:08 am

Let us pray for strength for Bobi V. and his family on his latest bout with aneurysm… Have our good intentions for your recovery and keep our prayers always by your side … We are all here for you Bobi V…. 11 28 2008






*** visit me also at
Amiel Gerald A. Roldan
Mandaluyong City, Philippines


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amiel.roldan@gmail.com

*** visit me also at
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******




cat’s eyes
October 31, 2008, 4:15 am

10 31 2008
the prowling cat also saw the two figures running towards the lamppost across my window… they stayed there for a few minutes just to weather the heavy rain fall.. two friends perhaps from a night out… it was 12 pm … early for going home… but i guess the rain changed their plans… on the headlines early this morning i read about preying adults on young people… i never thought about what was happening below my window when i saw two consenting figures in an embrace to be more than that. it was raining and they rested beneath the protruding roof of a closed cafeteria and they embrace.. quite passionate about it… a bit jesting… i saw the man held out his hand and gave his bottled water to his partner to freely embrace and to keep warm… after that he whispered something too soft as the rain only grew louder… they jostled each other when they crossed… when i saw it was a teenager that accompanied an older man in his thirties… is this that event that is happening around us that we should be shocked about? im sure that the young person was under eighteen… i would be amazed if the police would stop at one or two people apprehended… it is not just one face… homosexuals are the first to be portrayed as the villains… we now have to add a teacher form a list of gay police, beautician and priests… get real… parent’s often beat their children in our culture… it wont stop at one face plastered on screens and prints… what about promoting abroad to foreigners to prey on young people… wealthy Filipinos and people in positions paying for that ever youthful experience… people are shocked but they allow their children out to fall victims everyday for crimes happening on the streets… from gang and fraternity rumbles, peer misdemeanors, to drugs, gambling, to prostitution, to corruption, to violence, and abuse of alcohol… isn’t it that we are the ones preying and accountable for them… never knowing that being dismissive is giving them the consent from adults…our consent to do these things … i passed these group of kids living on the streets… there were about fifteen of them begging for breakfast… it was payday… an older boy was going around giving out plastics to anyone who would take them … most took these handouts… rugby…. probably to stave of the hunger.. or to have them manageable… to have them stay when they beg and not loiter and play to another neighborhood… i feel guilty that i have my salary in my pocket to pay my rent but not the will to give it out freely…. they stare out to early morn passerby… the government is not the solution … we are… our neighborhood is… we caused these abuse…. the place was just after a mall across a condominium for the elite at Mango Street … it might be bearable if it was just one place but we see it around us in every neighborhood that we neglect … the cats always prowl at night to feed and to mate… they don’t leave their kittens on the streets… people do literally in boxes… perhaps if they would wail like a kitten we would stop and think more of our responsibilities to the young… but they would not … they are trained early on not to cry… because it causes too much attention… if you pass them by bigger billboards of pleasant faces you forget the ones that are not…




*** visit me also at
Amiel Gerald A. Roldan
Mandaluyong City, Philippines


amiel_roldan@yahoo.com
amiel.roldan@gmail.com

*** visit me also at
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www.amiel-roldan.tk
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******



Blogging Days
October 19, 2008, 10:14 pm
***10 20 2008

A lot of things happened the past few months. I was not able to write much but had a lot of ideas to write down… Made new friends and acquaintances… the boarding house proves to be convenient and economical for me… I don’t have to think of rent or adding furniture or gadgets… I would have tried to improve on a bigger apartment and spending a lot to make it more a house… but in the end i would have just wasted money because i would be leaving for abroad and traveling…

Everything is happening for me and my peers… A different breed of Filipino artists is emerging … the well-rounded Filipino artists… We are aware of each’ works and works of fellows abroad… We know that we are equals when we work and do art…

I just got back from my first excursion alone to another island in the Visayas… Am planning to do this regularly now… I have set up leaves at my work so i can go visit new places for a day or two… I enjoyed my stay at dumaguete with fellow artist kristoffer ardena. I stayed at south seas hotel and found the time spent there quite nice… they have a great bar and resto at night and the ambiance is great.. the space was sprawling … the beach was great at night… it was very impressionable with the sound of surf beating at the rocks… it was a very private space… i hope ritchie and his architect father would open the place for artist residency…it would be a great place to invite people and artists to the events…

Dumaguete as a city is impressive… It is at the forefront of visayan affluent tradition… With its expansive land mass the negros island is a vast place explore… I want to take time to visit neighboring cities and enjoy the festivities… I spent a day viewing preparations for the Buglasan festival… It was an enjoyable experience and a great image of discovering a new place… The city is pleasantly urban… I strolled at the bayside and watched the sunset… It reminds me of Manila bay … The kept the bay accessible and open to eating places… The malls and shops had interesting collections… I tried the merienda delicacies of the city… hot chocolate on sweet rice pudding… The people are very friendly and looks healthy… Compared to Cebu City I liked the average person walking the streets here… A sleeping town still… I want it the same way as Tagbilaran City… Traveling the route is impressive… I wanted to live right on the road.. Imagine the whole stretch of roadside with accessible pristine white sand…
Cebu is a great place still… I am happy that i took time to enjoy the place…I am staying put for some time… I want to make my major works in this city… I didn’t rush to visit everything at once… I wanted solitude more and time to think great thoughts ….hahahaha…and grander ideas… bwhahaha…
I visited siliman university for the first time… Being a frustrated applicant workshop writer at the university always brings that challenge to me that i should do better and write more… The program offered me four times an invitation to join but would not offer me a full scholarship… hahahaha … now that i think of it it was not a complete rejection… but to an impressionable youth at 14 that depressed me every summer when i think of being not good enough… angst at so early an age… i just want to escape to a new place and prove my worth… that about the sum of it…

08 15 2008

… Here is another day. A start of another chapter… I just uploaded pictures on some of my social sites. I am smug about being part of the recent anniversary… I am going around much of Cebu now. I walk and walk a thousand steps. I have that habit of thinking and walking in that order… It saves on gas and money. I am saving some nowadays… I will be going home by end of the year for a visit or on february for my sister’s wedding… People are getting married nowadays… I just noticed… Hahahahaah… I am happy for everyone… I am getting there though …to the part of being older everyday…. sign off…




*** visit me also at
Amiel Gerald A. Roldan
Mandaluyong City, Philippines


amiel_roldan@yahoo.com
amiel.roldan@gmail.com

*** visit me also at
www.amielroldan.tk
www.amiel-roldan.tk
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******




Earning my Php in the Philippines
August 18, 2008, 8:12 pm





I’ve started to think seriously on how one could earn your millions before you end up in retirement pension… Considering most have income asides from the permanent job that they have stayed for sometime… Over qualified and underpaid positions that one would not think about vacating. It is hard work applying for another same position and we do get older. There are lower salaries always offered to newer graduates with no experience even if they are college graduates… That is the power of discrimination in the Philippines.
If I stayed in my current job for the next six months then I would have the tenure and regularization benefits… I would have my health benefits by that time and apply for my dependents in a year as a single… I will have my free dental and if I have a perfect SAF then I could keep this income indefinitely. Performance comes second only to availability and flexibility in my job requirements. A word of caution to new applicants… Less than 6 months experience doesn’t hold water for good salary offers. Increase would be the time of the year you are hired so job fairs are tricky… It could go beyond two years before you realize that you haven’t been offered a basic increase. Incentives are good but basic increase affect your overtime, benefit upgrades and extra holiday pay…
With so many expenses I would be lucky to save money for contingencies but that is hardly the case as everyone gets older and we do expect better lifestyles. One would not choose to wallow in stringent measures if one could help oneself. We all dream of bettering ourselves… I wouldn’t want to always ride jitneys in my 30’s. I could hardly see myself hanging out off an overcrowded jitney at peak hours because I am saving or scrimping for a better set of clothes to wear to work.
So back to the millions or billions to dream bigger… If I end up earning an annual gross of Php 260,000 in my earnings right now in my current job I would saved 20 percent of that give or take. That would be of course outside from loans and credit card expenses. That is to say, without major festivities, birthdays, calamities, deaths or accidents in the immediate family. Pathetic! Right ? This is a realistic summation of the times so let me continue. It would take me twenty years to save that first million and I would be in retirement by that time. Save for winning the lotto three consecutive times in a row , I don’t think that would be realistic or feasible… I would say that in twenty years a million would just be a hundred thousand Php and that would not be much savings. I would bet that would just be enough to cover a vacation trip to the local beach area for a few days…

I wouldn’t want to scrimp on living leisurely at my age now… Bad for health…Hahahaahaha…. I am 36 years old and I would expect my job to pay for my daily expenses, short term wants and finance medium wants and keep some for my dependents (parents) or immediate relatives. I would expect my earnings to keep and offer me better options as the years pass… I would not be maintaining my job if it does not offer me that basic necessity and/ or well not keep me for very long.

I do have in mind setting up a business or two. I do want the choice to travel if I wanted to. Hong Kong and Singapore would be normal destinations. Visiting relatives abroad is current too if I am lucky to get a visa. I want to build and invest in my own home. If my current salary would not allow this then I would not be happy. I would be looking for a better offer soon. I am in fact asking around now… I just passed an interview with one job offer and that is buoying my spirits. No offer for car incentive though…I haven’t lost any interview offer at all. I am canvassing now what Cebu City could offer me in comparison with my salary (Manila based). It is sad but I have to look harder but I am not losing hope now that I have more years of experience. It does not match or improve on it so far.

In Manila with my current connections I earned 2x that what I earn here with another job at workshop teaching, facilitating and some tutorials. I have been teaching for more than ten years though. I am at my peak in that position. Still not contented though with this so I opted for an account transfer to Cebu. I am hoping that my tutorials would be started here too soon. The income projection is exclusive of what I earn abroad for my sold works and commission as an artist, of course. That is a capital that I have for long term. Give or take in ten years time my works would be competitive with international artists. I have more years now of experience than I had back then. Like in any endeavor, I am expecting it to pay off, too… Security is in plurality and reinvention. Now, I want an automatic tenure increase for any job I take… Pride would work with me and consistency. It need not be offered nor announced and/or deliberated. Any development is given.

Going back to the savings… Another plan would be is if I invest in a condo unit or property at this current year at what the company is paying me… I would be putting off moving for at least three years to stabilize my expenditures… That means I wouldn’t be doing much just paying of the deposit and keeping up my monthlies up to date… But in a year or two my earnings would have increased by 100 percent or more if I sell the unit/property by current market then. I would then mortgage it to buy another less developed one or two and my money would be rolling. In 10 years time I might be well off. If there are no untoward contingencies I might just end up with a property or two that I wanted and some savings… Still, I would be keeping my current job for another five years or more and end up with a loyalty watch, a plaque of appreciation, numerous client keychains or T-shirts for my efforts. I might be able to auction these memorabilia and actually earn some bucks on Ebay.

I might still venture on a business half heartedly now and might pull off a coup de etat and actually survive the economics, sell and profit before my retirement pension of a paltry 3 Thousand Php a month (at the going rate now with my pension at SSS). I would keep a gallery and a nice retirement home beside a beach property. But that is far off from what I could potentially do with my artworks…and exhibiting them… Yes, I would have a short term plan, medium plan and a long term plan but that isn’t at all exciting. In my retirement, I would probably sell modestly with my collections of works and regularly exhibit by then for major shows…

I might actually be teaching by then at college as a nearsighted old fart that keeps books at the trunk of his registered Ferrari 2020…sigh… That is if I settled down and postponed half of what I want to actually do… which would be to just bum around for the next ten years, travel, exhibit and die a starving artist without a pension or health care. The latter I could avoid as I have the minimum requirement employed now… Such romanticism exudes some truth. Cynicism abounds in my blood and prophesy is an unquestioned gift. Pathetic and unexciting but true and proven on numerous events in life. I keep ready and on my toes with challenges. There are alot of examples here in the neighborhood I’ve put myself in if I fail. Several senior citizens sleeping on the pavement with just cartons and wet blankets around the city. Perhaps due to the calamities that struck the provinces or the exodus the masses - thinking that it’s better to beg on the streets or charge it to the nearest church. Drugs is on the streets. I see more adults rather than children we see in Manila often. Kind of surreal. Si Manang at si Manong nagrurugby. Joining the rallies also had relocated the poverty to the city steps.
Automatic debiting on my payroll is another alternative.. Out of sight is out of mind… They call this savings the automatic millionare wherein you have debiting every payroll to a time deposit account… Probably postdated checks on checking account linked to a payroll account financing… Well… Lets say that this is the most feasible savings startegy for me if I don’t get my hands in the time deposit for five to ten years though…

I am just hoping that I could be lawfully earning from different occupations that befit my qualifications rather than stay and settle in just one. I want another occupation or two complementing with minimum of four hours and two days a week - contractual jobs with retaining/tenure benefits given.

Much like having more than 4 different jobs with the benefits of tenure. Of course I have my professional job as an artist, but that is not given for fellows out there. This alternative lifestyle is taking its toll. I’m not sorry to lose a home but to gain an 800 sq m studio property I might settle down… Now, I would be extolling changes on the streets soon if this does not get addressed. I seek a legal way- a simple proposal. A letter to the concerned and the might be.
We need not be contractually tied down by restrictions of any employer. Revise the employment contracts with understanding that there is no competition that stipulates working for just one employer. With this alternative, we might just address the unemployment situation on the longer term. The current employers already have us for the 9 hour basic contracts. Why do they have to mess up with what we do with the other 15 hours of the day? Sleep is just a state of mind. Hard on the body but good for addressing the financial issues. Man created the routine - truthfully, the outsourcing demand did. Coffee has been a miraculous invention at that. We can always improve or fit the situation on case to case basis.
I want to apply for numerous short hour jobs and be accepted with my current choices. It should be health card, SSS and Pag-ibig complemented… I don’t see myself doing anything else on my retirement except to work less for more… I won’t completely stop… I’ll be just managing another company. I don’t want to stay conditioned to maintain just one job be it satisfying or not. Hell! There are 24 hours a day. If they could not afford to give the right salary and benefits then allow us employees to also work with other employers that would give us contractual work for 6 hours or less on another part of our day. Is there no right/freedom in our free hours? The government should earn from these income taxes right? They would recognize regularization on minimized working hours. Alternative shifts that address the current demands and metrics that are set with working with this generation demand. Minimum wage earners exempted should be those only for the regular shifts.
With this committed in writing. There is hope that I might just perhaps earn my millions before I die too old to enjoy my hard earned savings. It should be easy. Right?

08 19 2008 Dirty Old Man



*** visit me also at
Amiel Gerald A. Roldan
Mandaluyong City, Philippines


amiel_roldan@yahoo.com
amiel.roldan@gmail.com

*** visit me also at
www.amielroldan.tk
www.amiel-roldan.tk
www.amielroldan.wordpress.com
www.amielroldan.blogspot.com
www.fineartamerica.com/profiles/a-g-roldan.html
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